How Far Do You Go?

“If I expose my nakedness to you, will you make me feel shame”?

The title and the opening line, I’m wondering if this post will attract a few people here that have other ideas!)

The above quote is from a book a client gave me years ago (in fact I’m not sure if it’s 100% accurate) but it’s what I learnt and what I remember, and my brain has made sense of it for me…thank you brain!

 Before we go on, let me state pleasantly and without smut, the ‘nakedness’ has nothing to do with shedding your clothes including undergarments and exposing winter skin!

 That’s probably easier to do than what we are about to share!

No, the ‘nakedness’ I’m referring to here…is about you: the real you, the you without ego, the true ‘laid bare’ you, the parts of you that you hide, the you that’s only ever exposed in your head, the vulnerable you, the you that hides certain emotions and aspects of your personality, the you that on occasion can make you feel uncomfortable with you!

Get the picture? You!

(As for the second part of the quote, we’ll get to that in about two minutes.)

Maybe you can relate… 

Have you ever had a conversation that was full of ‘How are you feeling?’ or ‘How are things?’ or ‘How is such and such going?’ or ‘What about this and that?’  Yes? 

u have the conversation, you answer the questions, your provide the information…’oh fine, great, this happened, that happened’ and then…you repeat and have the same conversation over and over, only with different people, in different places (or with the same person with time being the only difference.)

Were you really ‘you’ in these conversations? Or where you just THERE!

These are safety conversations; there is nothing that is going to really require an exposing of the real you, heck, the chances are the person asking will already have your answer (in their head) before you reply. 

(Oh, and of course safety conversations have their place.)

Now, are you able to think of the people that KNOW YOU.  That claim to KNOW you really well.  That have perhaps declared ‘I know you better than you know yourself’

Have you managed to think of anyone? How many? One? Two?  Zero? 

For some relationships, these same questions cease to exist when they people in question have ‘exposed’ themselves or ‘stripped themselves bare’ with another human being.

Relationships shift and move, you can never have the same interaction twice: and over time, some are developed and some are culled. 

Is it when we expose who we really are or when we are unable to look at the nakedness of another? 

Just over the New Year I had a friend come to stay.  There were no safety questions, none.  And just recently through Facebook, I’ve made connections with people I have not seen in years…on meeting up after such a long time, again no ‘safe’ questions. 

Why?  Is it because somewhere along the in the relationships with these individuals we have exposed to each other to who we REALLY are?  And this exposing is so visible, so open, that time cannot close it down again?

Maybe it events that occurred (that we shared in the past) that because of their very nature have been impossible to cover up how we really feel?  We have seen the nudity of all our emotions, beliefs, habits, attitudes, and values. Been startled, perhaps upset by what we have saw, confused, vulnerable…

And have now reached the point of ‘this is me, this is who I really am, this is what I am, in no way am I shameful of exposing to you’…why?

Because you show me know shame!

And perhaps, are there are people in your life (like mine) who you spend vast amount of time with, where you share and interact, yet you have never opened up in the same way? 

In some relationships, questions are asked that probe, demand, request, bully you into sharing who you really are.  And unfortunately, once they have broken the seal and the box is open they reject you; they will set in motion a series of behaviours that let you know that your nakedness is too shameful for them.

They may go on to make you feel guilty that you have emotions, that you are an imperfect human being, that you have faults, shortcomings, vulnerabilities and flaws.

Maybe before we undress (emotionally) and a let person in to our world (which we need to do for healthy relationships) is it worth evaluating how much you can expose? 

And lastly if someone shames you for being all that you are, shame on them. 

What do they have to expose and what are they scared to undress?

Yes, I need your help. 

Let me get straight to the point (instead of my usual rambles) for a change, I’m in the process of planning events and training for 2010.  

Now.  It’s all very well me ‘thinking’ what you might like to see happen – but that’s just guesswork…it’s MUCH better if I ask you direct.  From my original email I’ve already worked out that ‘assertiveness’ and ‘confidence building’ is a very huge ‘problem’…but what else? 

This is where I could really do with YOUR comments, ideas, and suggestions. Please take a minute and leave a comment below, or use my contact form or send an email.  You can even call me if you like! 

Click here now and if you need a starter question here you go…

‘If you could ask any two question regarding personal or professional development, what would they be?’ 

Don’t be shy…I DO appreciate (and read) everything that is sent and YOUR comments really matter to me. 

THANK YOU (I’ll let you know what kind of things come through) 

Love and best wishes

Dawn 

PS Best link to leave your comment CLICK HERE

PPS And of course your details are never share, pinky promise.

Tired of Life Just Being Too Darn Tough!

In a moment I will share with you some questions you can use to coach yourself to  help you become less tired of your life. 

But first…

Each day do you think ‘what’s the point’? You’re so fed up, bored and becoming more and more resentful and upset that nothing you do or say ever seems to work out the way you wanted?  Do you start new things but very quickly they all ‘go to pot’, one unsuccessful moment after another failed attempt? 

At a deeper level do you hate how you feel, but it’s gone on so long now, you think you can’t change or shake yourself out of it anymore?  You’d rather close the door to the world (and your life) and take refuge.  Is it just ‘one thing after another’, there’s so much to work on and change, you can get exhausted just thinking about where to even start?

Let’s start here, today, now, this moment…

It’s horrible.  I know.  The gut wrenching pain of feeling so empty inside, that you feel your life has become so insignificant to you and everyone around you, and yes, it’s tiring, no, it’s more than that, it can floor you, knock you for six, flat out.

Of course it’s tiring…can we start together by acknowledging the fact that you are reading this article.  At this moment you are creating space and energy for a change to take place.  That’s good news.

Sure, we can all have our ‘off days’, you know the days where you feel ‘out of sorts’ or your energy levels are depleted and you need a little rest, a little breathing space to recharge the mental batteries, time to get back in sync with who you are. 

Some people are great at recognising these moments, some people can even ‘feel’ when they need to take time out and actually do it, before the negativity starts.

But we’re all different, not all built that way or have the information yet.

How can you begin to enjoy and live your life again? 

Richard Charles Baker once said ‘…your life becomes the thing you have decided it shall be’.  This sums up your current problem perfectly, once you decide your life is ‘tiresome, boring and not worth anything to anyone or anything’…guess what? Your living a life that is tired, boring and worthless.

How can you turn it around?

It would be so simple for me to say do this, do that, do this next and then this. 

Yet, when feeling so low, the last thing you may need to hear (or read) is a set of instructions (that you may feel so overwhelmed looking at) so I’ll give you one tool…just one.

 Ready…?

 Watch Your Words

That’s it?

Yes, that’s it.  It’s one of the best, one of the easiest and yes, one of the most challenging, yet ever so simple and effective.

Words are so incredibly powerful (actually the can build you up and can destroy you within seconds) they create pictures, thoughts, emotions and then  this produces the behaviour depending on you feel.

So the next time you say ‘I’m tired of life’.  Would you be able to stop and ask yourself ‘that thought is not working for me anymore’

Stop and think differently, just for a second.

Catch yourself. 

Watch yourself.

An idea (if you can manage to pause for a second) try these questions on yourself…

• What does the word tired mean to you? 
• What pictures does it create?
• What thoughts come up when you use the phrase?  (I bet you don’t see you as successful or content.)
• How do you feel when you use the phrase?  (Happiness? I wouldn’t think so. Confident?  Probably not.)

Lastly notice your behaviour, notice your physical body:  the way you hold yourself, you shoulders, your posture, where you look. 

• Do you ‘pose’ tired or are you open, awake and alert? 

If one word (tired) can create all that, what other word could you replace it with so the thoughts, feelings and emotions are not as strong or negative? 

One little word is holding you hostage to a sleeping life, one word.

If you would like some more help check out my free course to build your confidence and boost your self esteem over on my main site.

...on Starting Your New Job!

Congratulations!

You’ve landed your new job, the interview was an astounding success (you definitely impressed a few people with your skills, knowledge and rapport.)

 Well Done You…

 And now is your celebration one of  in trepidation?

 You thought the worry was over, at the moment at interview they asked ‘please tell us about yourself’ and yet here you are now, swapping one fear (the interview) for another: the fear of ‘starting a new job’, all about those first few hours, days, weeks. 

You could be questioning (and perhaps doubting) your skills, you image, your personality, your knowledge and (heck) even asking yourself ‘will people like me, will I fit in, will I be able to do the work?’

 All natural behaviours, but let’s get a handle on this, okay?

(Oh, before you read on can I just say I’m not going to spout at you ‘dress smart’, ‘arrive early’ or ‘be nice and smile’ or ‘work really hard’ or ‘go for a pre-visit’.  No.  Can I assume you’ve got that part sussed?) 

Let’s talk about the inside ‘stuff’, the ‘stuff’ that has you worrying, those little eek-niggles that just might keep you awake the night before your first day!

Actually, just this morning I had a conversation with a past client who was recently on a programme with me here in Edinburgh, they got the job they wanted and started (I think it was) two months ago, our chat began…

Me: How is it? Is it what you thought it would be?

Them: No, it’s kinda different, but I’m enjoying it, it’s taking me a wee while to find my feet.

Learning – What If The Job Is Different To What You Imagined?

Say you begin and the job is not exactly what you ‘thought’ it was (from the job description and application form), what do you do? 

No matter how hard HR departments and Managers try to accurately state what the role is, they may not work ‘at the front line’ and there could be discrepancies.

Do you…

a) Leave (at lunch time the first morning, don’t laugh, people do this)

b) Stay a week (and tell yourself that you’ll decide at the weekend)

c) Give it a bit time (and go with the flow)

 (No right answer there, oh and in my past I have chosen ALL options) however (being the ‘wise’ soul that I am now…ha), I think when we start a new job we have so many questions like…

How Will I Fit In? 

One of the biggest ‘fears’ or ‘worries’ when starting a new job for many can be the question ‘will people like me and will I fit in’…the short answer to that is…

Yes! (If you are likeable and you want to fit in), but that’s too vague.  

Here’s the thing…you are technically the ‘newbie’ and some people will be a lot more welcoming than others (that doesn’t necessarily mean they like or dislike you.) 

If you are entering a well-established team, remember they have already ‘formed’ (roles, personalities, reputations, hierarchies (whether spoken or not)) and in that team some people will get on really well. 

As the new person, you are not just starting a new ‘job’ with ‘new’ tasks and responsibilities you are entering a well established community or social group.  And even if they haven’t got them written down, they WILL have ‘norms’ and ‘rules’ they follow.

 And…as the new person no one will probably be able to tell you them.

 Why? 

Because they don’t actually know them either or that they exists! Yet, they do.  And being the new person it can be uncertain times ahead when you are trying to follow guidelines and ‘rules’ you don’t know…and what does uncertainty bring with it? 

Nervousness and doubt. 

Take heart – you will ‘learn’ them in time, and yes, you will become part of the community and you will eventually have your say at writing the new ‘Unspoken Rules Guidebook’ for your new workplace.

But say you notice things happening that shouldn’t be, then what? 

If, like my client was talking about, you can see bad practices: people taking the ‘p**h’? People only working when a boss is around? People bitching about others? People covering mistakes?  People deliberately sabotaging the work of another?

If you say decide to say something, will you become the outcast?

What then?

What?

You want me advice? Okay…

Well, every workplace is different and of course it depends on you.  Don’t get me wrong I have worked with people who’s only goal in a team was create to havoc: they ‘waltzed’ into their new role and assumed  (no demanded) respect, authority and trust immediately – they never lasted in the job long, as they haven’t learnt that they are in a ‘new role’ as the new person and like all social groups (they have to earn it first). 

And that takes time.  And these same people will HATE every new place until they learn this.

Yet it can be accelerated.

How?

Here’s a few tips:

1. You can prepare yourself mentally of how you want to be in your new role…you can think about your attitude, image, and communication skills.  Yet you obviously can’t prepare others.
2. Be who you are. You were hired on the value you can bring.  
3. If you were to start a new role ‘pretending’ (because you want people to like and love you) you will probably not be able to maintain that behaviour very long.
4. Read and understand more on social groups.  Have a look at the article ‘Group Formation’, that might help or check out the theory ‘Joharis Window’.  Even knowing these theories, I promise they will help you out in those first months.
5. Time – even a new member of staff starting work (to the existing staff) is CHANGE and not a lot of people like change.  It’s not personal. 
6. You are ‘fresh’ remember, like a new born baby you are not clouded or have any preconceived notions or ideas.  So allow time to get to know everyone, make up your own mind instead of listening to the ‘this is what they are like’ stories from other people.
7. Being the newbie – just because the label is on you, it doesn’t mean to say you have to ‘shut up and go along with everything’ and it doesn’t mean you don’t have to say anything at all.
8. Praise Yourself – this may seem a little whacko, but here’s what I mean.  You may be a person that needs to ‘hear’ you are doing a good job – you need it.  However, you may not get it in your new workplace.  I’m not saying you need all the compliments under the sun, you just need to know if what you are doing is the right thing.  Your new workplace might not be like that…one of unspoken ‘rules’ of the group might be ‘we just get on with it’.  Learn how to compliment yourself – don’t wait for the external world to tell you.
9. If your nervous, it will pass.  As you entering a new situation you may feel uncomfortable I mean it’s not just a new job it’s: new people, policies, environment, politics, community – go with the flow.  A good team will help with your transition (and yes there may be the odd bugger who does nothing to help you ) each moment will be come easier.
10. Ask for support and supervision.  What if they don’t offer it? Suggest it?.  In fact (it’s probably too late), it’s a very good interview question.    Work is a place for forming friendships and long lasting relationships (most couples meet through a working environment) yet at the end of the day it is work…you don’t have to sell your soul and divulge your deepest darkest secrets (you do that with friends). 

Your goal is to work effectively with other people, some you will find this easy with, others not so well.  As long as the service and role you are carrying out is not affected then fine.

If you make a mistake – admit to it.  Easier than said than done? Back to the staff team, if they are supportive they will accept the error and you can move on from it. 

Learn about emotional intelligence and enhanced communication skills…there are some people that could not give a rats tail about how their behaviour effects others (oh and there are some that are the emotional baggage handlers) strike a balance.

It’s strange (in my experience working with career changers) most people love the first two weeks to a month…it’s new, exciting, challenging, relationships and bonds are being formed all over the place.

Then when this ‘time’ has passed, people settle, become more comfortable and then can ‘see’ faults and areas of the new job they are not happy with.  This is the test.  The first stage is a ‘honeymoon’ period, if there is one tip I could give you (right now) for this time it would be this… 

The real rewards come when you have all the information…starting a new job is fantastic but nothing compared to the rewards an effective working team can achieve.

Be you, be calm, listen, be open, be aware all new experiences take time to learn and most of all be in the moment.

Have fun!

Love and best wishes

Dawn

If you need some help with your confidence for your first day, check out my free confidence course ( it’s on my main site)

What's Wrong With Love?

For sometime now I have been ‘signing off’ in my email signatures, blog posts, correspondence with the phrase ‘Love and best wishes’…recently I was chatting with a couple of friends who ‘instructed’ me that…

Ready…?

‘You shouldn’t use the word love in your email, people don’t know you and they will think it’s too informal, it’s not professional!’. 

Mmm…(oh yeah, yes, perhaps it’s not a huge point, but it has got me thinking). 

(In fact if anything, it got me thinking I should ditch the ‘best wishes’ part…but that’s for another post…wishing and personal development…they don’t match.)

I’d ‘love’ to know your thoughts and what your sign off is, but first…

Well, let’s see, over the past five years you have read from me:

•  ‘Yours Sincerely’ (too formal – especially for me)
• ‘Kind Regards’ (I never ever liked that one for me, reminds me of solicitors letters)
• ‘In love and light’ (I think some of you ran a mile at that phrase, does suit a Reiki Practice though)
• ‘Have a Wonderful Day’ (I think I’d seen someone else use that one)
• ‘To Your Success’ (that was okay, I think?)

and I can’t believe I’m writing this one as you probably never caught this (cough cough) beauty…

•  ‘Your Fiery Friend’ (that lasted about a day as I’m strawberry blond not a ginger)

There have been others I have spouted at you, but they are long gone from my memory (hopefully yours too…oh, and please don’t shame me by sending me reminders, delete all old emails from me, okay?)

But…love and best wishes…what do you think? Are our Email Signatures are reflection of who we are?

I love the word ‘love’…what’s wrong with love?

1. Too ‘touchy feely’?
2. Too ‘out there’?
3. Uncomfortable?
4. Overrated?
5. Underused?
6. World (still) not ready for it?
7. Too cheesy?

Here’s my thoughts, (and I’d love to know if you agree or disagree with me). 

I’m in the business of personal and professional development, right? Doesn’t all development start on the inside first?  Whatever way you look at it, does it not come back to ‘you ‘gotta love yourself first’!

So simple, and yet as human beings most of us stink at throwing love at where it’s needed most…which is our way! 

Some days we love ourselves and other days well, need I say more, we can be our worst enemy; we can detest everything about ourselves, our life, our career, home, business…you name it.

But I repeat…generally, what is wrong with the word love?

Many of the people I’ve met and worked with, have been denied love, (and some from a very early age) personally, I find that sad and unacceptable. 

Are we so scared of being loved that we now cannot even mention the word?

Has the word and world of love become so loaded with impersonal meaning and heavy duty baggage?

Is it one of ‘those’ words that even the mention of it triggers an unhappy thought and past experience? One of ‘those’ words that we notice people flinch at when they see it written or hear it said.

That’s sad.

As a fellow human being, I’ve decided (at least for the time being) to keep using it.

Why?

(Apart from still surviving the ‘fiery friend’ email signature) Because, in my opinion, if I can’t display and show you love what the hell am I doing here?

No, I don’t mean at a shallow level either…love to me is power. 

Love is the unspoken language that makes enemies and strangers become friends.

Love is the complete opposite to hatred.

Love is the positive regard I have for every other human being (and no, I never expect it back).

Love is what fuels my passions, drives me forward and energises me to sit up and take notice.

Love to me is not just a basic human need but also a need for being human.

Love is not something that has to be fought over!

I mean can you imagine if the world you and I live in, were to wake up tomorrow morning and we were using phrases like ‘the love in Iraq’ the ‘March For Love’, ‘Love Rally’, ‘Weapons of Love’ or ‘Love Attacks’…that is not me being silly and unaware, I’m trying to explain that by the use of ONE word – a whole new way of thinking can appear. 

Love can create change.

And for the comment not being professional?

Ah! That’s a good point…and that has been my ‘word’ to overcome. 

My goal is to provide professional services.  It has taken me years to realise that I can do this better, not by staying at arms length from people, but getting right on down and ‘just being me’.

And yes, that involves loving what I’m doing and sharing it with you.

So, signing of with…

lots of love and best wishes

Dawn

PS What’s your email signature? Can you remember why you choose it?  Oh, and to display love in business or not, what do you think? Leave a comment below.